Hello Again

             It's been a while since I last posted something. I feel like I am talking to myself, and that's okay. 

             I started this, thinking that it would be a good idea. Although now? I am honestly not so sure. I am not one who normally posts things, or one who enjoys keeping up with all social media. It is intimidating. At least for me it is. I am afraid of not being good enough with what I create.

            Is any of it okay? Is any of it good enough? Who knows? Who actually cares? 

            I wrote a book, and I am writing more. You can find it on Barnes & Noble's website. It is titled "The Fade" by me, Sigyn Draven. 

            It is titled "The Fade" because, to me, the fade is basically the in between. In between dreams. In between the spirit world, and our world. 

            It is my life and my dreams. My reality and my fantasy. I believe the difference can be seen, but that is because I know what I have lived and what were my dreams.

            What do you dream?

She Is Done

 Chapter 51 in The Fade

            I believe that this one explains itself. I am tired of the past draining me till the well has run dry. The water inside is gone and all that remains is dust. 

            Anxiety and depression are a weird combination to have. 

            I don't really have much to say this time. I may go silent for a while. I am not feeling all that wonderful. The days are just kind of passing, and I'm just a helpless wanderer here. 

    

            I am afraid of just existing and not living. Going through the motions of life just to get by and not actually doing anything with this life I have. I wrote a book for fucks sake, and where am I with all of it? 

            Too afraid to put my voice out there in an audio version. Too terrified to reach out for help to get it out there to more people. Scared to have more people read the words I've written. Afraid of my truth. Afraid of putting myself out there. 

            But what is the point of anything that I have done if I do not do anything with it? It will just sit there collecting dust. Just as I lay here anxious. 

            I need to take a jump. I need to jump and stop being afraid of the fall. 

Could You Love Me?

            Chapter Two in The Fade

            I genuinely have no idea what to say. I feel this one speaks on its own. I have nothing else to say. Let the words I've written speak for me. 

            Take what you've read and make it into whatever meaning you wish it to be. 

            I still feel odd. Writing like this instead of saying "she." I write as myself without her being the face of it. It feels personal. Maybe too personal for me... 

            I said that I fear love. I do not fear the love I give to my family and to my friends. No... The love I fear is the love of a partner. The love between two souls that fall in love. Is it silly? Ridiculous? Absurd? Maybe... I miss that kind of love. The love I once had, but I do not miss him. I miss loving someone that way, but I do not miss him. 

            

            The one I once held dear to my heart... In a lot of ways made me fearful of loving someone again. Allowing someone close. He would always say that I was broken. He would always put me down any chance he could get. To him, nothing I did was ever good enough. 

            So with this story...Could you love me? 

            Will you love the broken pieces of me as I love the broken parts of you? Will you mend them back together as I stitch yours closed? Our lives are not perfect. We are sometimes broken and fragile things, but take my hand. Together... Lets make something grand.

Find Me

            Chapter Six in The Fade

        

            It was a dream. It was a dream about a man. A man wanting to be found. A woman wanting to be found. Two souls in search of each other, but unable to find one another. 

A dream connected the two that are worlds apart.

            A voice singing, but she could not hear it. She could not hear a single not being played. Not one sound could reach her ears no matter how hard she tried to listen. No matter how close she got. 

            She could not see the words he wrote on the pages beneath his pen. Nor could she see his face, but his eyes. She could see his eyes. Mystery. All of it was just a mystery. 

Will she ever have an answer? 

Or is it all...

Just a fantasy

Does he exist?

I Think I Met Him In A Dream

             I think I met him in a dream. The way he moved felt like a distant memory. I met him, and it felt so real. The way he spoke and the look in his eyes. I swear I saw those eyes before. 

Was it a dream? 

            Have you ever met someone like this? Where everything feels like you've experienced this before. The feeling of their hand shaking yours. The eye contact made. The conversation. The sound of their voice. It is comforting, but so... Odd. So unfamiliar, and yet they did not feel like a stranger. Like a lost friend. A friend that was once very close, but situations separated you. And when you are together again... It is like they were always there. They never left...

            But they were never there... But why does it feel like it? Why does it feel like they were always there since the beginning.

            Was it in another place? Another town? Where did he come from? Here we sit in the back of my mind... As if it was always just like this.

It feels so real. 

What To Do

             I feel a bit odd. This feeling where I know what to do, but I also have no clue. Not a single idea, and yet there is a plethora of ideas floating around in this blank mind of mine. 

             What can I do to make this work? Is anything that I have written good enough? Is there a point to any of this? I don't know. I don't know if it will be anything, or if it will mean something to someone. I only wish. I only hope. 

             I feel fear. Fear of the unknown. Do you feel it too? I fear. It feels difficult to say. It isn't something that is common to speak of. At least not in my experience. It isn't something that is normally spoken of. To dig deep and say that this is something I fear.

              I fear love. I am afraid of loving someone the way I once loved one. Afraid of loving someone new. Afraid of opening myself up again. To reveal my past. To tell them my truth. My story. My life. To share myself with someone again. For so long I thought it would be one person, but that one person is no longer part of my life. They will never be what they once were.

               I once thought they were everything while I was nothing. Funny how things change...

What is your story?

Do you fear? Not a fear like being fearful of say... A spider. But the fear of getting close to someone. Saying "I love you" 

Is it just me? It can't be just me...

Homewrecker

     Chapter 52 in The Fade

        Haha... Well... This one I don't know if I should speak too much about this one. Lets just say that there is a human that I am not a fan of at all.

        Normally I am not like this, but um... I have very strong opinions about this certain person. Ha *rolling my eyes*

        I don't really want to say anything more than I have in the book. I don't really know what I should say, or want I can say.

        I don't like them, and they do not like me. They are toxic, and I will leave it at that.

    

        Sending good vibes to those that have people like this in their life. I hope it gets better sooner rather than later.