Two Oceans

     Chapter 42 in The Fade

        This one was written after a date. He was interesting, and very cute. He was kind, and well mannered. I enjoyed our talk, but I was nervous and shy. My anxiety took over a lot. I felt like I did not deserve to be in his presence. 

        His eyes were so captivating and his voice was enticing. I could have listened to it forever. 

        It was another moment in my life that was wonderful, and then disappeared. I am assuming it was my fault... I assume that a lot of things that have happened are my fault.

        One of my exes said to me that no one will ever love me until I love myself. I feel like that has haunted me ever since... Because no matter how hard I try... No one stays. And it makes me think that they don't stay because I do not love myself. I don't give myself a lot of love. I would rather give love. I would rather give every ounce of love that I have to those around me. Because everyone deserves love. But I feel like I don't. 

        I don't know how to explain it... Or if I am explaining it in a way that anyone can understand it. 

        I don't give myself love because I pour it out to those I love. Self love does not come first for me. Or really ever.

        Maybe that is why I am used up for what I give. I give and give, but I do not receive. At least not from those that I have fallen for. Those that I have chosen to call sisters have given me love that I am missing... But there is a love that they cannot give. 

        I miss having someone. I miss being someone to someone. If that makes sense. I miss laying in bed with someone and just talking about anything and nothing. I miss cuddling. I miss saying I love you. 

    

        I hope to have that again one day.